Fight

It isn’t that 2017 has been extra-ordinary or life-changing in anyway. In fact, most of the year has seen me struggling and fighting for things. But, for the first time in as long as I can remember – I look back at this year thinking “Hey, this year has been beautiful.” And that in itself, is what has been life changing for me. This very moment of reflection where I have finally learnt to accept that not everything that is significant needs to be life-changing. That each day of the last 365 days have been extremely significant to who I am today, and though it isn’t a big milestone event or some crazy adventure that marked this year, it has been everything I needed.

I have learnt some very important things about myself in 2017.
I have learnt that I am not always who I thought I was (or wanted to be).
A very important person taught me this. Really though, let’s give this a thought. We form these ideas in our head about who we are, and when we deviate from that idea in our behaviour we start beating ourselves up about it, or try justifying it – and that leads to us getting depressed or angry.

My idea on who I am - I’m not someone who is easily angered.
Yet I have fought with far too many people and said some really harsh things in anger.


My idea on who I am – I’m a nice person.
Yet I have done quite a few not-so-nice things over my lifetime.

My idea on who I am – I’m an honest person. I detest lying.
Yet I have justified my own lies and manipulated situations to my advantage.

My idea on who I am – I’m someone who goes out of her way to do things for people.
Yet I have had people point out to me that I have made no effort with them at all.

I have let myself down several times, by behaving in a way that I’m not proud of. But what I have learnt is, on those rare occasions that I think of my behaviour as an exception, that person is still me. I am still capable of being a completely different person to the idea of who I thought I was. It is only the acceptance, that every behaviour of yours is you, that will help in you understanding yourself better. That will help you work on the things that you don’t want to be. Living in denial or being defensive has gotten us nowhere, instead it takes us 10 steps behind what we could have been had we accepted our behaviour to be a part of us. So, in 2018, I’m hoping to learn from my mistakes and accept myself for everything I am and work on myself from there. And while this realization is something that has taught me that I am nowhere close to who I had imagined myself to be, I can work towards being that person in the coming years.

Another thing I learnt this year was to be able to give some time to myself.
When I was younger, I used to read a lot – and that used to be my escape. I used to go for singing lessons – which were the highlights of my week. I used to unknowingly spare time just for me – and that had given me the balance to face everything else that I was giving to the world. In the last few years, I felt myself losing out on this balance and feeling extremely drained emotionally and physically. So, this year, in June, I wrote down a goal of 5 things I would like to do for myself – just me – regardless of all the expectations and responsibilities I have towards my work and my relationships. I told myself that it didn’t matter if I even achieved any of these targets, but if I was able to let even one of them truly consume me – that would be enough.

And through that, I discovered my love for watercolour paintings – something I had been intimidated by for years. Painting became my escape, time would slow down, my thoughts would disappear and the only thing that remained were my paints, my brush and me. It made me realize the value of spending time with myself – especially in a time where we are constantly in communication with the rest of the world. This time that I dedicated just to myself has brought about a balance in the rest of my life too and I would highly encourage everyone I know to find a hobby that they love which is solely theirs.

2017 has taught me a lot of things – and I’m so excited to be able to implement these in 2018.

To make an effort to break past the bubble of who I am, to be the one I want to be.

To love and be content in solitude.
To grow, by learning from the countless mistakes I have made this year.
But one of the most important things I have learnt from 2017 is to fight back with love.

To fight for what I love, for what I believe and for who I want in my life. And fight fiercely.
And the fact that I fought when it was so hard to fight, when every part of me was telling me to give up, when every logic pointed towards giving up – it was this very moment that showed me why I was fighting so much. How special my dream was. And how badly I wanted it in my life. And this moment, the moment that seemed the hardest, the moment where I had to work the hardest to make it work, was the defining moment. This very moment was what would create the beautiful foundation of my dream – because it is in this very moment that I truly realised the value of what I was fighting for.

So go, enter 2018 with everything you have and fight for yourself, fight against yourself, and grow. 

Fight for that dream you've almost given up on.
‘Cos, I promise you, if you do – if you give it everything you have and more – it’s all going to be worth it in the end.

Here’s to you getting what you truly want in 2018.
Happy New Year, everyone!