The Boy of My Dreams

There was no big bang when you walked into my life, no sparks shooting, nor that feeling of knowing ‘I had just met the one.’ You entered my life one day and we spoke – as strangers and yet as two people who had known each other forever. We spoke for years, everyday. Our conversations never about the regular stuff. Always pushing each other to a breaking point, discovering new things, renewing old memories. You weren’t the boy I thought I’d fall in love with. You were far too cynical and closed to be the kind of person I’d imagined spending the rest of my life with. I liked picking the smaller things in life and enjoying them.

No. You weren’t who I had imagined I’d be spending the rest of my life with.

I grew up celebrating every small occasion – birthdays, valentine’s day, anniversaries. You didn’t believe in them. It annoyed me and made me feel unloved – when you didn’t do anything special for me on these days. Yet you made me feel special on an odd day, when I least expected it.

I wanted a boy who could play the guitar – popular songs as we sung along the bonfire. I imagined singing songs with you while you played my favourite tunes.  You played the guitar, but you didn’t play any of the songs I liked.  Instead, you created your own music. Music that calmed me down no matter how worked up my nerves were.

I wanted a boy who would remind me how much he loved me, or how he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the room. You weren’t a romantic. Instead, you spoke to my soul. You spoke about ideas that no one had thought of, you spoke about why we exist, about who were are, about people and places and things no one cared enough to talk about. THAT was our romance.

I wanted a boy who had eyes only for me. Yet, you’d forget all about me when other people were in the room. You’d talk to them instead; make them feel like what they said mattered, hang on to every word. You made everyone feel special.

I wanted a boy who would be nice to my friends and family. Make them feel comfortable in your presence. Instead, you challenged them. You were nice, but you made them think. You made them feel emotions and talk about things – that even them and I had never spoken about.

I wanted a boy whom life would be comfortable with. Lesser arguments, more fun. Instead, we debated every day. You came into my soul and turned it upside down. You made me feel things I hadn’t felt, you made me see things I hadn’t seen, you made me love things I hadn’t loved. You made me think. You made me question. You made me want to throw my hands up in despair at how stubborn you were, but eventually you made me realize how closed I was. How sheltered I was. You broke my bubble.

I wanted a boy who would agree with my judgments of the world, who would support me. Instead, you taught me not to judge. 

Don’t you see, love? You were not the boy of my dreams. You represented nothing of the things I thought made me happy. You weren’t that prince charming who treated me like a princess, or a knight in shining armor that would protect me from all harm. You instead, taught me to protect myself and treat myself like a princess.

You weren’t the boy of my dreams love, and yet somehow, you are the boy of my dreams.