Don't Stop Believing

Sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find yourself.

And I cannot agree more. 2012 has been a year of constantly losing and finding myself. If I’m allowed to be cynical I’d say that this year hasn’t been half of what I had wanted it to be. I started off the year on a strong note, thinking I knew exactly where I stood and who I was. I felt strong and independent, I knew my passion and dedicated myself to it fully, but halfway through, it all flipped around. The passion fizzled out, the strength turned to self doubt and the independence was replaced by dependency. I’ve questioned my decisions constantly, I’ve picked out so many weaknesses I think need to be worked upon and I’ve tried to brave situations only to realize that I’m nowhere close to overcoming them than I was a few months ago. I’ve been bitter and have whined about things not working out my way. I’ve felt insecure, I’ve judged people, I’ve snapped and I’ve fought. I want to look back and point out something significant or marvelous, something magical that took place in 2012, but I can’t seem to find it. Like I said, I’ve lost my way.

But then again, I’ve never been the cynical kind.

While this year hasn’t been close to what I wanted it to be, I think it was pretty much what I needed. The dependency, self doubt and passions fizzling out paved way to self awareness. And while I’m not even close to the person I think I should be, it has definitely made sure that I try. This year has been a year of the little things. Like holding a puppy or stomping grapes with my best friends. Flying in the middle of the sea with a parachute or starting my own business. Teaching children that I’ve grown to love or simply talking to the people I love over a cup of chai. Or probably the magic I felt when I danced in the rain right in the middle of April, on the roof with no one watching, listening to my happy song. It always has been about the little things.

This year, I’ve ticked off more things on my list of things to do in 2012 than I have in the years that have passed. Yet this year has left me feeling that how much ever I do, it isn’t enough. I need to do more, I need to accomplish more, I need to be a better person, I need to touch more lives, I need to help build a better society around me, I need to be more patient with the people I love, I need to become more independent, I need to feel the magic in the small things that surround me and most importantly I need to live more! And while this may sound like a rant, I love this feeling of not being good enough, ‘cos it’s only pushing me to work harder at my dreams!

All this self doubt/self awareness (whatever you may call it) obviously didn’t stem from nowhere. The people I’ve met this year, the amount they’ve accomplished, their amazing personalities, their strength, their ability to love unconditionally, their insight on life… it’s all played a big role in making me think so much. If there is anything that I am thankful for in 2012, it’s for the people who’ve walked into my life, the people I met. They’ve taught me more than I can ever imagine. From small everyday conversations to life changing events, from crying for the smallest reasons to handling the biggest circumstances with grace, it’s observing the people around me that has taught me the biggest lessons.

This year I realized that I may not have control on a lot of things; in fact I may not have control on my own self or my own feelings. Many times I forced myself to feel a certain way or to act a certain way – only ‘cos it seemed like the right thing to do. But then, just a couple of days ago, I realized something that makes sense to me for some reason. That we cannot control how we feel and that that is fine. That it’s fine to feel a certain way, even if the world thinks it’s wrong, ‘cos those thoughts make you the person YOU are. That if everyone felt the way they ‘should’ have felt rather than the way they actually do, the world would be a pretty boring place. So I decided that if I felt sadness, if I missed someone, if I felt resentful, if I felt happy, if I felt hopeful (or in some cases if I felt hungry :P) – I’d let myself feel it and that it was okay. At the end of the day, just giving yourself the right to feel the way you do will help you with the situation, it’ll let you be who you are and it’ll eventually give you the strength to work on it harder.

Today, the end of 2012 has left me feeling more lost than ever. Yet, I know I have so much to discover, so much to do and I love the feeling. This year has left me feeling totally uncomfortable, yet so completely comfortable in my skin. It’s hard to explain but like I said this year has been the kind of year that I needed. I may not have felt the magic in the air anymore, but the thing is, I know it’s around the corner. Many people say hope is the worst of all evils, which misguides people into believing all will be okay, but somehow for me it’s always been hope that has given me the strength to deal with a situation. And so, as usual, I’m going to remain hopeful that 2013 has a lot more in store for me, that I accomplish a lot more – as an individual and as a part of the human race. I hope to take in and give back equally. This year I read somewhere that those who don’t believe in magic will never find it, and luckily for me, I do. So here’s hoping for a magical new year!

To all those who’ve touched my life this year, I’d like to say three words to you that have repeatedly shown up time and again in my life this year, and that I know will probably give you the same hope it gives me. This year while I tuck myself in with my family, watching television and bringing in the New Year, I hope you all have a safe night and the best year you’ve had yet. Adios!

And here are those three words that kept me going this year-
'Don't Stop Believing'